I really encourage everyone to sign up and pledge your time to participate in this.  This disaster in the gulf has shown us how small problems quickly become everyone’s very big problem.  This is something that we can all accomplish, it’s only two days, and I believe that you will surprise even yourself once when you are finally there.  It’s time to let go of the instant gratification that we all feel everyday and embrace sustainability.  Make it worth it and make it last.  Oil is going to destroy this planet.  Ride a bike, drink tap water, stream movies from the web, put locally sourced foods.  There are 11 different things to do the weekend of August 21-22, be sure to take part and help the planet that you live for you kids and there kids.  Click this image above to add your name to list!

First off, Predators…At first I was skeptical.  Like most people I understood how great the first Predator was how each subsequent Predator became worse and worse.  Though it was great to see Danny Glover get his ass kicked and Gary Busey get killed in Predator 2, and witness the badassery of both Aliens and Predators do battle, not once, but twice, those stories had little to almost nothing to offer.  This one payed homage to the first one with many similar characters, situations, and even specific dialogue while taking on its own new story.  Adrian Brody, who I was definitely skeptical about as well, played the part of a ex-US Black Ops operative, and drove the part home.  He was stone cold and believable.  His supporting case, Danny Trejo, Topher Grace, Alice Braga, and Laurence Fishbourne was not a group to be trifled with, even Topher who has left his 70′s reality behind him, but I won’t spoil that for you though.  Overall, when planet earth’s deadliest killers are dropped on an alien game preserve to do battle with the universes most badass alien, get ready for some serious action.  Worth the pretty penny it takes to see movies these days.

Inception…I’m not sure there is a word to properly describe the mind-fuck that this movie has to offer.  You will not leave the theater the same person if you appreciate movies in the same capacity as myself.  Or if you are a person who has any sort of fascination in dreaming in general, get ready to be wowed.  Leonardo DiCaprio joins, Ellen Page, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tom Hardy, Ken Wantanabe, and Cillian Murphy in one of the most mind bending movies of all time.  Learn to dream within a dream with this team of dream thieves as they attempt to implant a idea in to an unsuspecting host, Cillian Murphy, using a technique called inception.  Director Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight, Memento) creates a beautiful world dreaming and will answer all your questions on what happens in your mind while you sleep.  The movie is worth seeing twice as your will certainly miss things, and/or be confused your first time around. Hans Zimmer does the soundtrack which only put this movie further at the top for me.  It is the complete package, your next night off should be spent watching this with your best friend.

In case you are a dream nut, like myself, check this link out on Wikipedia on Lucid Dreaming.  There is a lot of cool stuff in there.

Besides these two movies, my time has been writing my book now titled, City of Ice.  It’s taken many twists and turns and I’m finally getting it to where I want it.  I promise you will be seeing more on it very soon.  It’s coming along beautifully, if you’d like a preview of it you can request one off of Contact page.  I’d love to send you a copy.

side note: all is not fair in love and war

There comes a time in one’s life when you really start to realize things about yourself.  I’m not talking about objective things like I’m a good person or a bad person.  I’m talking about more in depth thoughts of one’s self.  The things that when you sit down and think about them you really start to get a sense of who you are as a person; ponder all of your life experiences and try to figure out how you got to where you are today.  Of all the paths and goals that you could have followed, what are those few defining events, actions, and thoughts that took you down the winding, straight, narrow, wide, enlightening, and confusing paths of your life?

While going to counseling sessions, one of these events has become clear to me that I was not totally aware of prior.  For a long time I was in such despair and my life had been overtaken by emotions that I could not control.  I was angry, I was bitter and most importantly I was fearful.  Fearful of losing important people around me just like I lost my dad.  The byproduct of this fear was a barrier that I put up to “protect” me from being vulnerable and to “protect” those around me from pulling away from me. What a joke this so-called “protective” barrier that I created for my self actually was.  It was nothing more than a reaction concocted out of fear in order to hide my vulnerability.  In fact, this barrier was doing the opposite of what my subconscious wanted it to do. It was actually pushing people away.  I was on the outside looking in at this person doing these things and I knew wasn’t the true me, which is a very scary thing.

Counseling: Self-realization  #1

What I realized during one particular section, talking about religion and the supernatural, is that I have become a part of death.  Before you think I’m just being morbid and depressing listen to the explanation.  First of all, my religious views are pretty plain and simple.  I believe that there is a god(s) and there have been many saviors that walk(ed) this Earth.  A place called “Heaven” doesn’t necessarily exist but a place where souls go after they pass certainly exists.  I believe that souls either live on to help us from the Otherside or become a part of the Earth to help it.  Now, for anyone who wonders what death feels like, you may or may not already know the feeling.  When you lose someone who’s very close, whether you realize it or not, you have a connection with the Otherside.  You know what it’s like to die.  As that person is lying on the hospital bed, they are going through the same pain and suffering that you are going through because we don’t want to let go.   Since my dad died I have always felt something that I haven’t been able to put my finger on until now.  I feel as if I have one foot in the natural world and one in the supernatural.  That connection with my dad passing is a part of me that I neglected for far to long.  This is a part of who I am, as well as my vulnerabilities due to that event.  Realizing this totally dissolved that “protective” barrier.  This was something based on fear and I no longer have reason to fear loss. I’m allowed to be vulnerable, allowed to break down and cry, allowed to confess my emotions, and allowed to be a person unrestricted by death.

Now when I sit alone, I don’t feel alone at all.  This realization has brought me closer to my dad and his advice even from the Otherside.  I can feel his presence all the time, all around me.  When I sit in solace and ask him for help, I can hear him and I know what to do.  This connection was neglected for so long, it makes me ashamed that I couldn’t hear him clearly because of my own insecurities and fear.  I wanted him back so bad I was willing to cut him off subconsciously.  That same fear almost took me down a path where I had no control over my emotions and actions, which certainly would have shoved the ones I loved away.  I have now come to a huge turning point in my life where I know who I am.  My eyes are open and I’m finally happy again.  This lost sheep is finding his way with great success.

I started off becoming vegan because I needed to get a handle on what it was I was actually eating.  You all know the story about how I was mindlessly eating for years of my life and more that I had worked at this new restaurant. Once I had a firm grip on what I was eating and enjoying it at the same time I realized that there was more to being vegan than just staying healthy.  There was another world out their that us, as humans and even Americans, were forgetting.  I started becoming more and more conscious about were I was putting my trash, in regard to recycling and what not.  I also became much more conscious of how food was manufactured and actually brought to the table in the first place.  The movie Food, Inc. was first on my list to watch.  This movie explained the ins and outs of the meat industry in the United States.  We no longer run farms and raise cattle or chickens.  We run factories that mass produce products that are genetically engineered to grow twice as fast as they are supposed to.  The animals are not properly taken care of and become sick and are slaughtered in the most inhumane ways.  I will never eat another piece of meat again in my lifetime.

This movie opened my eyes to the countless products that men and woman use on their own bodies.  These products, before they ever reach your skin are tested on animals to make sure they will not harm you at all.  Now I used to joke that, its not so bad that they get shampooed all day long, but the truth of the matter is many of these products will actually cause harm to animals, burning skin, losing hair, etc.  This is all so you can have that nice shiny hair or keep that wave throughout the day.  Fair?  I don’t really think so.

Someone wiser than myself once told me:

“Continue to write not for the fame and fortune, but for the ability to create exciting new worlds, and to out-do yourself.  When you start writing for money and fame, you will love your creative nature that is YOU.”

It was this quote that really resonated with me and I only heard it about a week ago.  It has brought me back to a lot of the things I have written before with clarity and the ability to make them even better than when I started them.

So whatever you think you know now, empty your cup….so you may fill it again, with all the knowledge of the world.  There is too much out their to ignore to not not want to know. The greatest ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about.

Living in New York, I’ve learned to value every minute, every encounter, and every moment. A moment is one of the most unique measures of time because it is based on feeling. I’ve met and dated a lot of good looking men in New York and while a lot of my relationships were short lived and casual, I’ve found it hard to disconnect myself from the moments we shared even if it didn’t last for long was everything short of romantic.

A few drinks and enough chemistry can lead you to act in the heat of the moment – as I so often do (not always the smartest decision on my part but lots of memorable, good times due to my drunken spontaneity). An old friend – who we’ll call hockey player – from high school, asked me to go out a few weeks back. He hadn’t been in town for awhile and wanted to get out. Considering my 9th grade crush on the guy, I quickly grabbed the opportunity to go out with him – no hesitation or questions asked. We went out on a Sunday night to a local bar. Not exactly the best night for a date but we decided that we’d have fun regardless of the crowd (or lack of).

He picked me up and was dressed perfectly in a white, fitted v-neck and jeans smelling of cologne. The whole car ride I nervously fiddled with my phone and attempted to start conversation by talking about high school and old friends.

Even though I anticipated a friendly night, I couldn’t help but be attracted. He was just as good looking now as he was at fourteen.

The ride to the bar wasn’t far from my house but felt endless and had everything to do with the fact I felt awkward. We get there and walk to a bar for our first drink. I started with a beer. We talk about his life back in Michigan and hopes to get signed with a pro hockey team. One drink turned into two. The nerves start to vanish thanks to the liquor surging in my veins. I talk about my writing and disinterest in becoming an English teacher contrary to everyone’s stereotype of English majors. The conversation makes a quick switch to relationships and dating. He tells me not to friend zone him. I’m a little shocked that he didn’t want to be friend zoned when it was clear that this was nothing more than that. We finish up our second drink and mutually agree to switch locations (since the crowd in the bar we were at were filled with people our parents age or creeps) and start bar hopping. At this point, I’m tipsy from drinking too fast and can barely cross the street to the next bar. We sit down at the next bar. The crowd is far worse than the first spot. It’s nothing but Spanish music. I decide to start dancing even though I can’t get into the music. He comments on my dancing being nothing like that of the girls in Michigan. I smile and continue dancing. He whispers in my ear and asks me to kiss him, I say no. We leave for the next bar which is a lot more college-esque. He orders a Blue Moon beer and I opt for a cranberry, pineapple and vodka. We finish these in moments and are ready for something else. We get the same thing – vodka mixed with cranberry. It’s 2am at this point and I’m drunk. It wasn’t my intention to get drunk but, it happened. I get up to use the bathroom while he waits at the bar so we can head home. I take my time in the bathroom. All I can think about is making out. The right amount of liquor sends my hormones shooting through the roof. Even though he is obnoxiously good looking and quick witted, I was determined to add his name to the list of men conquered. I come out the bathroom and he’s gets up to head to the door. I follow. We sit in the car and don’t drive off for five minutes in hopes of shaking off the ungodly amount of drinks we had just thrown back. He asks what I want to do while we sit in the car and I shrug. I can’t think straight let formulate a coherent sentence. He starts the car and heads to my house and asks if I want to go home or hang out for a bit. I’ve been in enough situations to know that his idea of hanging out doesn’t mean going to the movies or playing a game of Scrabble but ripping each other’s clothes off. In spite of what I know I should do, I agree because it’s what I’d be thinking about too. I show him a spot by my house that’s empty and quiet. He parks. He goes in to kiss me which I happily accept by parting my mouth. We start making out. As expected he’s a good kisser. Not too much tongue with just the right amount of tease. I move from the passenger seat to the driver’s seat by straddling my legs over his. I can feel his hard on as I prop myself on his crotch. He starts to reach into my leggings and because I’m drunk and all inhibitions have gone out the window I happily oblige by quickly slipping out of my leggings. We’re too drunk to realize how uncomfortable our position is. We’re making it work. He slides his hand into my panties and feels his way around, slowly letting a finger slip inside sending chills down my legs. His hand’s rhythm at the perfect tempo. The pleasure settles in my stomach. I’m conscious of the fact I’m giving in to his advances far too soon but it’s too enjoyable to turn down. His fingers thrust hitting my spot over and over as I moan completely disregarding the fact I’m parked in the middle of my suburban area. The night has gotten too hot to start caring now. I’ve always been turned on by a man that was good with his hands, and his hands navigated my frame perfectly. I was completely submissive to the way he touched me. He fingered me for five minutes but it felt longer. He immediately asks to fuck but I turn him down though I’m tempted. I pull my pants back on and move back to the passenger seat reflecting on the amazing public foreplay and ask to go home, in disbelief that we had just hooked up.

The next day he texted me and we made plans to hang out again in agreement that the previous night was enough to make any person horny for days to come.

He went back to Michigan a few days ago to continue training for hockey and hockey camp. We hung out and hooked up one more time after our first “date” at his house (where we got drunk again, on wine) but I didn’t let it get beyond foreplay in spite of having downed two glasses of wine and a Blue Moon beer at his place.

Though nothing would have ever come out of our short lived affair but a good time, it was definitely a great start summer. Not exactly a moment to cherish but definitely one to look back on and be turned on by.

Flings such as this are sometimes far more memorable than relationships with years of time invested. Odd how that works out, right?

It was a place where she held onto my hand so tightly that she cut off the circulation and the sky was dark, but orange.

It was a place where the hills began to crack and the earth caved in on itself.

It was a place where downhill skiing, hockey, golf, rollerblading, and lacrosse all became one sport.

It was a place where I walked across the desert for hours to a lonely mountain range, but did not sweat a drop.

It was a place where the train sped across the open frozen wasteland and crashed along the dark mountainside, and I was thrown from the wreckage onto my face.

It was a place where you once called home because of me.

It was a place where the ancient pyramid among the infinite holy men was only a brothel.

It was a place where biological warfare reshaped the face of my very neighborhood.

It was a place where I shook hands with myself.

It was a place where my worst enemies became my best friends and my best friends became my worst enemies.

It was a place where I returned each day.

It was a place where no one else may go.

A month ago on the anniversary of my dad’s death, 5 years later, something changed.  I pulled up my driveway that night and all the memories of that day came flooding back to me like it was happening in real time.  Up until then, I had not thought at all about those exact events or the order that everything happened in.  Until now I had suppressed most of these feelings inside which manifested and compiled into anger.  Now for the next few days this had sent me into a total tailspin and I at some points I didn’t honestly think I was going to make it emotionally.  I didn’t want to face people.

At this point in my life I felt it was about time to seek help, professional help.  Everyone close to me urged in the direction of going to counseling again.  I was not hesitant this time and called a counseling facility immediately. Now I’ve been going once a week for over a month now and let me tell you, there’s nothing like talking to a perfect stranger, a neutral party, about your problems.  Someone that’s trained to listen without bias and give you advice based on their own life experience and knowledge.  I’m not perfect yet but “I’m on the Pursuit of Happiness and I know that everything that shine ain’t always gonna be gold”, Kid Cudi “Pursuit of Happiness”.

Thanks to Tom for giving me an opportunity to channel my emotions and feelings on this blog I’m starting to feel like Kid Cudi’s song “Cudi Zone”, “In my zone, I’m feelin’ alright, I’ll forget about it all”.  Writing is my zone but I’ve just never had anywhere to get it out to people, so here I am telling you all about my life and this release is like none other.  I now know that everything is going to be ok and just to make it clear, this post was not a sob story to get people to feel bad for me.  This post was to possibly touch or help someone out there going through similar issues and let them know that they aren’t the only ones up at night contemplating their demise, as Kid Cudi states in his song “Soundtrack2 My Life”.  That’s why he raps and that’s why I write to you now.  You’re not alone and there is always something better than you’re current situation. Don’t keep your bad vibes bottled up people! It gets way to heavy to bare.  Take it from someone who’s been there and back again for years.  I’ll leave you with the words of another great musician, Charles Wright…“Express Yourself!”.

We’ve all gone out of our way for someone that is undeserving, someone that is not receptive to our advances no matter how genuine or full of love they may be. We’ve all been in a situation where we are far too nice to a person that anyone with common sense would give up on. If asked why we give so much to this person we have no explanation or reasoning.

It might be unfair to generalize because “we” are not all this “weak” as one might characterize this type of person. Perhaps you’ve never been in this situation. Some of us just aren’t looking to love but rather be in casual relationships. To widen the demographic let’s pretend it’s a similar scenario but sex is what is being chased. In my own experience, I’ve found that men like what they cannot have but I do not think this trait is exclusive to men, a lot of women seem to be oddly attracted to the “bad boy”, the boy they cannot change but hope they will someday.

Consider a child that is told not to touch something but returns shortly after he is reprimanded. The child knows what he is doing is wrong but rather than give up, he/she continues to pursue the object because they must get a closer look and deeper understanding of it some way, somehow.

It seems to be in our nature to desire what we cannot have. As people we like the thrill of the hunt whether it is someone we must love or someone we must be intimate with. There is something really profound about the way we can continuously chase something that is just out of our reach. The chase stimulates an adrenaline rush and is much like a game of cat and mouse.

Logically this can be detrimental and leave you feeling disappointed (because in most cases, it’s the things we can’t have that we don’t need) however, in a way it can be beautiful how we completely throw away all logic and go after something just because we feel it’s something we have to do to be fulfilled. It’s beautiful the way we can solely rely on our feelings instead of letting our mind be our guide. Sometimes your mind can be what holds you back from experiencing life.

A lot of people don’t look at it from this perspective but something about going after what we can’t have is free spirited and makes for an amazing story we can share in the future.

As hard as it is to believe chasing someone can be fun. It may not end the way we hope but it certainly can be an enjoyable ride and something we take for what it’s worth and when you’re young, that’s what life is truly about.

The gist: It appears that she spoke to her parents early this morning via satellite phone, but was disconnected and an hour later two emergency beacons were activated on her boat. At the time of the “disappearance” she was in the south Indian Ocean in very rough seas and there is currently a massive search for her boat.

As I read through the article my heart dropped and I couldn’t imagine what could have become of the young girl who attempted to complete a dream and make history in the same breath.  When they [press] reached the father for comments he was choked by his tears at the thought the worst possible scenario his baby girl could be in.  He wasn’t interested on giving his opinion on the matter, only in making sure his daughter was safe enough to get to land or hold on long for rescue boats to arrive.

Yahoo! allows users to make comments at the bottom of their articles like any other blog, and it was here that I derived the subject of this post.  I was flabbergasted at the comments being made on this post.  A post about a 16 year-old girl lost in the middle of dangerous waters alone.  Comments like, “Parents should be held liable ! What were they thinking?” and “Someone needs to tell these teenage girls no. if they don’t listen hit them.” All I can think is, are we serious people?  Am I the only person that realizes that this girl is LOST AT SEA ALONE?

Now granted, yes, she is very young and the parents are responsible for her, but we should not be focused on placing blame on parents/society/friends, but energy into finding out where she is.  A great example of how everyone uses their voices in the wrong way.  People would rather exhaust the air in the lungs complaining than just getting to the rough of the problem.  More comments follow about how there is a double standard because of class.  If a blue collar mom and dad let their child set sail around the world DCF would be on their backside, but because they came from wealth there is no backlash.  All I have to say that is, stop looking for a hand out and make some wealth for yourself if that’s what you think makes people happy.  More comments poured in about the girl being stupid only chasing fame and fortune and setting a record.  All these comments probably came from the asshole who were locked in their basement by their parents for 25 years while the world evolved around them and left them back in the 70′s, which is were they belong anyways.

Stop and think for a second if this was your child and if they were lost, not necessarily at sea, but even in a large city.  You’d demand every resource looking for him/her at all times. Actually, you probably couldn’t even say exactly how you would feel, because no one will ever feel the pain these parents are fighting right now.  They wanted their baby to chase her dream and allowed it to happen.  I come from a fairly liberal family, but they sure know the difference between real life and fantasy land.  My mom had a hard time letting me drive to the grocery store when I first got my drivers license.  If I had asked to do something like this there wouldn’t have even been a discussion.  I’m sure that this child’s parents would have let her near a boat by herself if they didn’t feel she had the best possible chance of succeeding.  They have their own yacht with state of the art equipment in it, not something you just pick up anywhere.  No way this is their hobby and something dad does after golf on a Saturday afternoon.  This family knows their shit and so did this little girl.

Makes me sick to think that there are people out there so worried about arresting parents of beating children because they want to think for themselves rather than finding a missing child.  It’s a sad world my friends.  My prayers go out to Abby and her family and I wish her a safe return home.

Look for yourself

The idea of being by yourself can only be understood when you are truly by yourself and not a soul within a hundred miles knows your name or has even heard of your name.  Being alone on top of the mountain two towns over will never be the same as the time that you set out to conquer 35 miles on your own and watched the sun fall to the earth like a blazing ball of red fire and sleep under the stars by yourself with fireworks exploding overhead. Sometimes the most exciting people you meet, if even for 5 minutes, are the people towing your car to a place that will charge you an arm and a leg to fix it.

Goals aren’t always met.  We fall short, stumble, trip, or whatever the case we may be, but the fact is these things happen so we can pick ourselves up and learn.  So that next time we may be prepared for what lay ahead.  There will always be another shot to take and when it comes you should take it and conquer it and if not then you will be that much closer.  You learn a lot about yourself off on your own when no one is around to push you any further or when you have finally exhausted every muscle in your body. There is no failure. Not for me, and not for anyone, just a period of trial and error until we finally complete our tasks.

Nobody can tell you what you have done is right or wrong, you must figure it out for yourself.  If at first you don’t succeed, try again.  Don’t believe that very time you make a run at something that you will succeed (thanks J).  That will be your biggest disappointment of all.  Life is a series of doors that open and close.  As you close one be sure to open the next and don’t stop until you find the back.

side note: life gives you lemons, throw them out and go find your own damn lemons.

HAVE YOU SEEN?: Food, Inc. If not, then head over to your nearest blockbuster, if they still exist, or put it at the top of your netflix queue and prepare to be amazed at where all the “yummy” food comes from you are so happy to eat every day.  I will never eat meat again in my life.