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By Josh Trota

There comes a time in one’s life when you really start to realize things about yourself.  I’m not talking about objective things like I’m a good person or a bad person.  I’m talking about more in depth thoughts of one’s self.  The things that when you sit down and think about them you really start to get a sense of who you are as a person; ponder all of your life experiences and try to figure out how you got to where you are today.  Of all the paths and goals that you could have followed, what are those few defining events, actions, and thoughts that took you down the winding, straight, narrow, wide, enlightening, and confusing paths of your life?

While going to counseling sessions, one of these events has become clear to me that I was not totally aware of prior.  For a long time I was in such despair and my life had been overtaken by emotions that I could not control.  I was angry, I was bitter and most importantly I was fearful.  Fearful of losing important people around me just like I lost my dad.  The byproduct of this fear was a barrier that I put up to “protect” me from being vulnerable and to “protect” those around me from pulling away from me. What a joke this so-called “protective” barrier that I created for my self actually was.  It was nothing more than a reaction concocted out of fear in order to hide my vulnerability.  In fact, this barrier was doing the opposite of what my subconscious wanted it to do. It was actually pushing people away.  I was on the outside looking in at this person doing these things and I knew wasn’t the true me, which is a very scary thing.

Counseling: Self-realization  #1

What I realized during one particular section, talking about religion and the supernatural, is that I have become a part of death.  Before you think I’m just being morbid and depressing listen to the explanation.  First of all, my religious views are pretty plain and simple.  I believe that there is a god(s) and there have been many saviors that walk(ed) this Earth.  A place called “Heaven” doesn’t necessarily exist but a place where souls go after they pass certainly exists.  I believe that souls either live on to help us from the Otherside or become a part of the Earth to help it.  Now, for anyone who wonders what death feels like, you may or may not already know the feeling.  When you lose someone who’s very close, whether you realize it or not, you have a connection with the Otherside.  You know what it’s like to die.  As that person is lying on the hospital bed, they are going through the same pain and suffering that you are going through because we don’t want to let go.   Since my dad died I have always felt something that I haven’t been able to put my finger on until now.  I feel as if I have one foot in the natural world and one in the supernatural.  That connection with my dad passing is a part of me that I neglected for far to long.  This is a part of who I am, as well as my vulnerabilities due to that event.  Realizing this totally dissolved that “protective” barrier.  This was something based on fear and I no longer have reason to fear loss. I’m allowed to be vulnerable, allowed to break down and cry, allowed to confess my emotions, and allowed to be a person unrestricted by death.

Now when I sit alone, I don’t feel alone at all.  This realization has brought me closer to my dad and his advice even from the Otherside.  I can feel his presence all the time, all around me.  When I sit in solace and ask him for help, I can hear him and I know what to do.  This connection was neglected for so long, it makes me ashamed that I couldn’t hear him clearly because of my own insecurities and fear.  I wanted him back so bad I was willing to cut him off subconsciously.  That same fear almost took me down a path where I had no control over my emotions and actions, which certainly would have shoved the ones I loved away.  I have now come to a huge turning point in my life where I know who I am.  My eyes are open and I’m finally happy again.  This lost sheep is finding his way with great success.