tomshaggy.com | seeing what you thought you didn't see

She was your average girl.  She didn’t look like anything you hadn’t seen before.  She probably wouldn’t turn your head in public.  Though, if she had opened her mouth you would surely know her face.  The other girls and I looked out across the dinner table and listened.  It was like nails on a chalkboard.  I ground my teeth to the sound of my own voice in my head ready to speak out against her.  I looked to my right and Sally sat next to me.  She knew what I was thinking.

Marcia sat in the middle of the table diagonally across the time from myself and Sally.  It was a sad sight to see.  It was as if she thought she needed to act this way to get our attention.  We could care less.  She was loud and she told stories about her home.  She always got on the subject of her parents.

Sally and I picked slowly at our food.

Her parents were very successful in their respective fields. Her voice, always slightly more elevated than the rest, was a clear indication of insecurity.  Often times, I believe, that she thought she wasn’t being heard.  She was right.  No one wanted to hear her.  The constant reminder of how successful her father or mother are, was not something we really cared to hear.

We were all psychology majors and to not psychoanalyze each other would be illogical.  Some were a little more balanced than others for  the most part.  I could see myself as a little off-kilter, but at least I have identified it and am making a conscious to improve myself.  I was having a lot of trouble finding something I was enjoying here at this party.  For someone who never really associated herself with her classmates she really was taking over like we were all regular friends. This did not go over well with me and I could see from the faces of my other friends and those whom we didn’t all know that they were thinking the same thing.

Marcia became louder and more obnoxious.  Drawing more attention to herself. The girls rolled their eyes and snickered to each other as they pretended to put on their make-up.  She remained totally oblivious.  All she needed was attention.

I sat in my room after the party.  I lay awake in bed and think of people.  How could one person be so fixated on themselves and not care about the effect they have on everyone around them.  Could someone really exist that thinks nothing of constantly alienating themselves from others because they believe to be above them all?  Not only that, but also judge a person on something they have yet to become and who they are in the moment.  I’m not even finished.  This person would also judge by a person by the color of their skin and be expected to be taken seriously in a professional environment? We are supposed to feel for them?  I could not possibly imagine such a person to call my friend or my peer.

I clicked off the light.

I curled up in bed alone.  The sheets were cold.  The room was dark except for a strand of light the peered through the curtains for the street.  A tear comes to my eye.  That is one horrible person.  My eyes began to swell as the tears fell faster.  It is only when we see ourselves through the eyes of others that we see who we really are.  It was I that could not stand myself.  I hated myself and made everyone else pay for it.  It’s a long fall from the top of our ego.